i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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