"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
