she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
