dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
