He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
