the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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