They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
