tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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