You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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