got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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