My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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