She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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