I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
