I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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