If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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