I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
