A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
