I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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