I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
