Yo dont text me then not text me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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