I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
