I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
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There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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