Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
