he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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