just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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