btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
