It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Please don't give away my fajitas
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
