I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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