Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
