Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
