omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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