Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
