the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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