I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
