the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
