I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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