My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
