Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
