She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
