you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
