just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
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I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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