We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
