is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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