Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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