he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
