That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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