I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
