I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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