The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
