I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
