I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Randomize
