Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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