was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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